I turn in 30 in about 14 hours from now.  I’ve spent a lot (and I mean A LOT) of time thinking about what this means, all of the things that I thought I would have done, seen, and accomplished before I turned 30.

And then I got up this morning, and thought “Girl, seriously, you’re looking at this all wrong.”  So today, instead of listing all the things I’ve yet to do, here’s all the wonderful things that I’ve accomplished.

30 Things to Be Proud Of

• I’m a homeowner – all by myself!  Never thought that would happen.
• I earned a graduate degree – an MBA.  Never thought I’d have those letters after my name, that’s for sure.
• I no longer HATE driving.  In fact, sometimes, I think I actually kinda like it.
• I became a concert junkie!  I still remember when I thought, wait a minute, I’m making money and this is what I want to do with it.
• I went to Fan Fair in Nashville – saw the humid, the crazy, and the crazed and slept 18 hours in 5 days.
• I traveled to Spain and got that stamp in my passport – tapas totally rock.
• I lived alone – and hated it – then lived alone and didn’t so much.
• I won $15,000 because I was just so good at telling the story of my patheticness – patheticness for the win!
• I discovered what I wanted to do with my life, early enough that I might be able to make all my dreams come true. 🙂
• I had a literary agent rip me to shreds and years later had another one tell me I can write. 🙂
• I’ve made friends and lost friends – and thankfully made more than I’ve lost.
• I wrote a book that’s awesome but no one’s ever going to read.
• I wrote a book that’s even more awesome and hopefully thousands of people will read.
• I ran a 5K – I didn’t even know I wanted to do that (the word ‘run’ is used very liberally here).
• I sang karaoke in a bar.
• I did NOT beat up my brother in the womb when he was getting on my nerves – and no matter what he tells you, he IS the evil twin.
• I got lost in the worlds of others – tv, movies, books – and learned to never apologize for it.
• I figured out Bruce Willis was dead at the end of the Sixth Sense WAY before anyone else did (and yes, I still brag about that).
• I got a job right out of college and made it into a job I’d want.
• I fell down – literally, I’m the clumsiest person you’ll know – but I never let it stop me from getting right back up.
• I discovered that I could live without cheese – but life wasn’t worth it – and I could live without gluten – and life still is.
• I once flipped my brother over my shoulder in a fight – don’t know how I did it, was never able to do it again, but it was epic.
• I got my sister to make me delicious gluten-free bagels – though I am eternally still waiting on that cheese soufflé.
• I taught my nephew to say my name in the cutest little baby voice and to smile every time Aunt Val walks into a room.
• I started liking my family as people and people as my family.
• I painted my bedroom bright yellow so I’ll always have something to smile about.
• I shot a gun – and felt appropriately bad ass doing it even if it did injure me and I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn.
• I discovered that an attitude is the biggest factor in what side of the bed you wake up on.
• I learned that the most important part of making lists is knowing when to stop measuring yourself against them.

Last night we pulled out the VCR, popped in a few VHS tapes and dabbled in the pool of old home movies.  We saw my sister get her first piece of candy, my grandmother sing in front of an unappreciative audience (her 4 year old grandchildren), tons of presents opened, a Christmas tree trimmed, and interviews with a pair of twins twenty years ago when we turned ten. In between the talent show, homemade stop motion troll movie, and the summer school graduation where the kids wore white trash bags as gowns, something dawned on me.

As a kid, I used to be fearless.  In fact until I hit high school and puberty I really didn’t have any self-esteem issues, body image problems, or doubts.  Doubts are made for when life crashes into you and pins you to the floor, when you second guess everything about yourself, when the sum of what you see doesn’t add up to what you feel.  But as a kid I did things I can’t even imagine doing now – standing up for a girl with no friends and facing ridicule from everyone else, defying the mean girl with the violent streak because I wasn’t going to let her push me around, performing in front of a crowd because I wanted to.  I remember clearly the moment the illusion shattered – when I realized damn, I sucked at that, why did my parents let me up there – but that girl before she realized it was an illusion, she rocked.

It was embarrassing to say the least – watching yourself 15, 20 years ago always is – but it was also enlightening.  People say they want to be kids again and I always thought it was because of the lack of bills and responsibility and stress.  But that’s not the whole story.  Because the childhood you was daring and adventurous, wild and creative before any of those words became euphemisms for business strategies and core competencies.  The ten year old me saw most of the world as black and white, but the results of that were breathtaking.

I don’t see much of that girl in me anymore and that’s a shame.  As I sit here and think about what I want the next decade of my life to be, I know that if I let that girl come out and play more, be as exuberant and fearlessly herself as a 12 year old who didn’t know any better was, then I would be a happier person.  My life would be better for it.  Can I tap dance and play the flute and sing any better now than I did then?  Highly unlikely.  But she didn’t know the word ‘can’t’  – and neither should I.