Damn Daddy! He did it, he pulled me back in.

He was trying to be nice when I walked into the house today for dinner and handing me the listing of a cute little house that he thinks I should buy. Let’s forget that there’s no way I could qualify for a loan even if the payments would be about 2/3rds of what the rent is on my renter now or that it’s kind of in an area I know my roommate doesn’t want to live in or that I’m not even sure I want to make such a big purchase.

It makes me feel sad all the same. Because I hate that there are so many can’ts standing in front of me. I hate that I’m watching all of these people around me settle down and get married and buy houses and have kids and I’m . . . not, . . . just stuck in where I am. Not that where I am is bad or anything but . . . it just scores the fact that I’m still aimlessly alone.

My friends like to say that they’re still single because they were focusing on their careers, they had other things that they wanted to do. That was never me. Maybe I suffered from a lack of a plan. Betsy wanted to be married before she was 27 and she’s going to be. The only vague ideas I ever had never came true so I stopped having vague ideas and rejected having concrete ones.

Sometimes it just seems like I’m the only one not growing up. I’m aging, I’m getting older, but I’m not growing up – I’m still transient, I’m still untied, I’m still around. There is nothing to keep me in this place, in this moment, except for my undying hatred for change. I guess I just want a reason to stay, to be here, to belong.

So, last night I was home alone. Not necessary a bad thing – I like being home alone every once in a while (it means I can sing and dance around the house and indulge in my new obsession – watching Nickelodeon shows – without Diane around to make fun of me). But before when I was home alone our apartment was so small it’s not like anything could happen that I wouldn’t know about. No one was about to break in without me hearing it.

Well, this is Home Alone, House edition and let me tell you, it’s way scarier that you could believe. So, like any good NaNoWriMo girl I was up in my room in writing mode (iPod on, lights off, alien feelers on my head), snuggled in my bed when I heard this noise between songs. It was still early, maybe just 5:30, 6, but none of the lights were on in the house. I hear it again, a weird clanging noise. So I get my bat (really, I do) and leave my room. The horrible offender? The window in Di’s room has open and it was banging her blinds.

Now, I of course closed her window, turned all the lights on in the house, double checked all our doors were double locked, turned on the tv downstairs and proceeded to use up way too much energy while I returned to my room to write. But I kept hearing noises. Now after a while I realized and KNEW it was just the wind ripping across the roof, whipping down the fireplace and against the garage door that is right below my window but it continued to scare the heck out of me.

I had to sleep with both my fan AND tv on so I wouldn’t hear the wind. Even after I woke up at 5:30 in the morning to use the bathroom I had to keep them on when I went back to bed. I turned them off but then thought I heard something and they got turned back on again.

The moral of the story? Don’t stay along in windy houses in Tracy and if you have to, make sure you have a bat and a big energy bill.